editor@purewow.com (PureWow)March 20, 2022, 4:00 AM·3 min read

“I’m a big texter. I like to share my thoughts on news, vent about work and just have a little light banter. It helps me get through the day. But my long-term boyfriend is not a texter and literally goes hours without texting me back. He was a lot better early in our relationship, but it’s been a few years, and he’s no longer as communicative. It bothers me a lot, but I can’t tell what a reasonable amount of communication is. He insists what we had was too much. What’s the answer?”

This is actually a very common problem in relationships. Why? Probably because our standards for communication are often set in the dating phase when things are new and exciting and you have a lot to learn about each other. For lots of folks, once you settle into a relationship, get into a routine and even move in together, there’s less urgency.

When communication in a relationship evolves and our expectations don’t, there’s a dissonance, and to resolve it, we need to check in with ourselves and our partner. But before you get to that, here’s a general guideline for how communication tends to ebb and flow throughout a relationship. Read on, and try to point to where you might land.

Early Dating

Early on, in a crowded dating field, conveying interest matters a lot. Part of doing that, in modern dating, is keeping the momentum going when you are not physically together. Texting (and probably the occasional phone call) is the answer, with one or two dates per week sprinkled in.

You can expect to send and receive a lot more texts early in dating; it’s extremely common (if mildly irresponsible!) to text all day with someone you really like, and we’ve all had one of those electric text-banter relationships we just enjoyed to pieces. Another important note: If the person isn’t texting a lot in these early days, it’s likely to decline with time. Usually, you’re putting your most interested, obvious effort forward in early dating.

Serious Dating

Once you’re serious with someone and it’s clear the commitment is solid, you probably have less to learn about them—and less incentive to keep conveying strong interest all the time. The person knows you like (or love) them, right? You convey that when you see them, right? You’re choosing to be with them, right?! Right. So in this case, it’s really common (and probably healthy for your work life) to see a dip in communication during the day.

(editor：)